Playing Self Help Games

Joe brought Jane to the sessions for her alcoholism and infidelities. He repeatedly told her the core of his game: once she had more therapy, she’d get why he’s become sober.

Instead of looking at how he’s being manipulative and one-upping Jane, Joe disguised his behavior as healthier than hers.

He was self righteous and trying to convince Jane to do what he wanted. When he played his game, Joe hid behind a cloak of spirituality and sobriety.

The “effect” made Jane more resistant and justified to stonewall. She wanted to discover her self and heal but Joe continued to place her in a difficult spot.

One of the most important facets of genuine recovery is self-honesty.

Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step Big Book states that even those “who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders ... recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”

Playing the self help or self righteous “game” is an antithesis of self-honesty. It’s a form of self deception. With it, you run from the truth. You distort the truth. You twist reality over and over again.

Addiction expert and author Dr. Allen Berger explains,

“Typically, the games we play are designed to manipulate others for emotional support, indirectly extract approval from others, or inflate our self esteem at their expense.”

There it is! Fight the temptation to run away by playing games. Games keep you stuck. It keeps you emotionally immature and dependent on others.

Get more open minded and have an open heart. Remember, in self honesty and truth, there’s freedom and healing.

Secrets of Your Self:

https://www.kobo.com/ph/en/ebook/secrets-of-your-self

from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/playing-self-help-games.html

When in an Empty Nest

It can be really lonely. Finding your self in an "empty nest" since your kids have grown up.

In the past, there's noise and bustling in the house with your kids. But now, it's deafening silence.

I knew this feeling well.

My three kids - two are now working young adults in their 20s and one in her teen - have their own separate schedules and lives now.

I missed my youngest daughter's playfulness and my taking her to Tom's World or anywhere. In the house, it can be overwhelming the memories of her childhood with her older sister and brother.

Even the sight of a kids' nook in the mall which we used to frequent was priceless after her departure and busyness for school and sport.

Generally, I feel glad how they've turned out to be "independent" and in pursuit of their passions, young though they may still be.

As parents, we have one healthy goal for our children: to give them wings to fly and foundations to prepare them for life.

As the actress Gelli said about her "empty nest" experience, "You must choose your spouse well. Your children will grow up. They will have their own work and raise their own families. At the end of the day, it will just be the two of you. That's how you started in the first place." 

Yes, we who are parents of grown up children all need to learn to loosen the reins. 

And all we can do is to pray for them and to be available to them as they need support to make wise choices in their lives.

Secrets of Your Self: https://www.kobo.com/ph/en/ebook/secrets-of-your-self

from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/when-in-empty-nest.html

Do You Fear Getting Close to Others?

Mary experienced a string of five broken romantic and sexual relationships in the past.

Since her teenage years onwards, almost all of the men she'd been in a relationship with cheated on her.

Now at 30, she has become fearful and anxious.

Her panic attacks at times manifest during social occasions involving men. Because of this, she backs off from people around her.

She has become afraid of befriending or dating new men, for fear of being lied to, used, betrayed, or manipulated again.

This is sad. Mary is afraid. So she hides. She hides her true self. Her fears do terrible things to her self and relationships.

How do you get the confidence and courage again to be close to others? To take the first step and connect with someone in intimacy?

In therapy and counseling, the fear of intimacy is a psychological wound that needs healing.

It takes one to a deep process of recovery and freedom from the fear of intimacy and relationship with others.

Paul, in a letter to Timothy, writes:

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Tim. 1:7).



from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/do-you-fear-getting-close-to-others.html

Does Fear Keep You from Getting Close to Another?

Mary experienced a string of five broken romantic and sexual relationships in the past.

Since her teenage years onwards, almost all of the men she'd been in a relationship with cheated on her.

Now at 30, she has become fearful and anxious.

Her panic attacks at times manifest during social occasions involving men. Because of this, she backs off from people around her.

She has become afraid of befriending or dating new men, for fear of being lied to, used, betrayed, or manipulated again.

This is sad. Mary is afraid. So she hides. She hides her true self. Her fears do terrible things to her self and relationships.

How do you get the confidence and courage again to be close to others? To take the first step and connect with someone in intimacy?

In therapy and counseling, the fear of intimacy is a psychological wound that needs healing.

It takes one into a deep process of recovery and freedom from fear that keeps a person from being her true self and deepening relationships.

Paul, in a letter to Timothy, writes:

 "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline" (2 Tim. 1:7).


from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/does-fear-keep-you-from-getting-close.html

The Minister is a Psychiiatrist

Do you understand the exact meaning of the modern word “psychiatry?” It originated

from two Greek words “psyche” and “iatreia.”

The word “psyche” really means the person variously translated as follows: mind, soul, breath, and spirit. The word “iatreia” means treatment, healing, and recovery.

Combine the 2 words together and we have “healing of the mind.” Or, as king David might have pointed out, “the restoring of the soul.”

In view of that original meaning of the word “psychiatry,” it’s therefore not limited to the medical profession.

Oftentimes, a minister, pastor, or clergy is a psychiatrist. Such is so because he deals not only with the renewing of people’s minds but also with their spirits and souls.

Beyond our physical bodies, thoughts, and emotions are our souls. The minister is primarily concerned with man’s soul. 

The minister as a psychiatrist believes that if a man’s soul is ill, he is ill indeed. And only God can truly heal and redeem the soul.

As a psychotherapist and minister myself, it has been my privilege to counsel many individuals, couples, and families who needed help.

As a result of my books, blogs, and TV appearances as well as my work as a conjoint psychologist/pastor, my mail has brought me many emails from around the world seeking help for their problems.

Not one of them I’ve found had not violated the basic healing principles that God has ordained to govern the life of man. 

Believing as I do, that if man lives according to these principles, his life will be healed, whole, and healthy.

The minister is a psychiatrist. He practices God’s psychiatry. He takes the stand that most of all we need God’s psychiatry in our lives.

from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/the-minister-is-psychiiatrist.html

The Use of Failure

It appears way too common that so many who experience mental disorders were raised in dysfunctional families.

The children of alcoholics, abusive parents, or broken homes grew from the pain of their families of origin to become failures.

Mostly it seems. But not all, of course.

A number of individuals who came from dysfunctional families turn out to be successes with the right use and transformation of “failure” in their lives.

Carl’s Dad was alcoholic, abusive, and unable to stay employed. The poverty in the family fueled Carl’s ambition to earn money to become one of the nation’s richest men.

In addition, Carl became a loving husband and father as well. His example earned him public recognition as a model to families.

It is not that you’ve to have a failure-prone parent or dysfunctional family to succeed or be better. It’s not the point that I’m trying to imply.

The point is that brokenness or troubled environment does not preclude any one to flourish. Failure and struggles can serve as fuel to become more resourceful adults.

Therapy takes the stand that early conflict, family tension, and exposures to failure need not destroy a person’s character and life.

You’ll be amazed how powerful a fuel failure is to your best life ever!

from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/the-use-of-failure.html

One Essential Person

We all need to love and be loved. It’s basic to our humanity. From there, we receive and develop the foundations of our sense of worth.

Dr. William Glasser, MD, a psychiatrist founder of Reality Therapy, spoke and wrote of the concept of “one Essential Person.”

He says, “At all times in our lives we must have at least one person who cares about us and for whom we care ourselves. If we do not have this essential person, we will not be able to fulfill our basic needs.”

With almost no effort, you can relate to what Dr. Glasser is pointing out. You can actually build your whole life around that truth.

Without that key one Essential Person in your life to draw strength and resources from, you’ll try desperately to fulfill your needs within the world with varied unrealistic even harmful means.

Years ago, I lost my wife. She died of cancer. Like most widowers, I had longed and grasped for ways essential to the fulfillment of my needs.

Who is my “one Essential Person” then in the midst of the loss, before and after? 

In my book, his name is Jesus Christ, my Savior and Lord — the one Essential Person who is essential not only for me but for all of us.

Now see that Dr. Glasser is right - but only up to a point. He’s most likely referring to one Essential Person only in human terms, which lacks completeness and permanency.

No one fellow human being can meet all your needs. We’re all finite. So flawed and limited. We can only do so much.

To accept that reality will help us to move from that temporary dependence to a clear faithful, eternal one Essential Person of Christ.

Do you have this one Essential Person in your life?  Quite frankly, unless we have Him, we don’t have true lasting life. Know Him.

from Dr. Angelo O. Subida, Psychotherapist http://www.drsubida.com/2019/03/one-essential-person.html